Ouch

Today is my third day in a row with a migraine. I gave myself one shot of Imitrex Sunday, two shots yesterday and one shot so far today. My paranoid side wonders if it has to do with cancer growth in my neck because the migraine seems to be emanating from there. Although I have great faith in God and know He is here for me, I have had a lot of thoughts lately about the “what if”s. (What if I have more extensive cancer than is known? What if I have metastases to my lungs? They are often inoperable. What if I have non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma? I don’t know why I wonder this, but since I noticed a slight, sometimes-uncomfortable swelling in my right armpit last November [2008], I’ve wondered about some kind of lymphoma. I don’t even know why this entered my mind—I have no idea what the symptoms are, and I don’t think I’ve been anal enough to research it on the Internet yet, but it has been in my mind.) All the what ifs are probably a normal response to knowing that I have persistent cancer at this very moment. People probably typically feel this way if they get a cancer diagnosis—or are reminded of their fallibility with a “persistent cancer” re-diagnosis.

That’s the weird thing, though, and something I want to share with people: Knowing I have an active cancer right now has resulted in tons of positive changes. That knowledge has had the following effects on me:
1. I care more about people and my relationships with them. Really, that’s the most important thing in life. All the other stuff is irrelevant.
2. I want to do more nice things for the people who mean the most to me.
3. I don’t want to waste time doing things that are not truly necessary or that do not contribute to the world being a better place.
4. I want to write this book and leave it for my kids…to show them how God has proved His existence to me, changed me, changed our family and had a positive effect on all our lives…all due to thyroid cancer.
5. I want to invest more time in relationships with people who really have my back.
6. I’m listening to music more.
7. I’m living life more fully.
8. I’m trying to have a softer personality. I’m getting along much better with Pommy, the kids, and everybody.
9. I’m trying harder not to sweat the small stuff.
10. I’m talking to people more when I’m out—cashiers, other customers in Costco, just the faces you pass on a day-to-day basis and which are so easy to ignore, but life feels so much richer when you take the time to talk to people.
11. I’m living life more fearlessly.
12. I speak my mind more (probably to the chagrin of some).
13. I’m not being so self-conscious; I don’t care so much (or at all) what people think of me.
14. I feel forgiven and deserving.

The last thing—feeling forgiven and deserving—is huge for me. Since I came to the Lord in 2003, I have known that He forgives me for everything, but I finally feel worthy of being forgiven…like I can let myself off the hook, stop punishing myself for all the wrongs I’ve done in this life, and once and for all accept His forgiveness because:
• He shed his blood on the cross for me and my sins
• I’m not so bad after all.

For years and years, I have shortchanged myself in so many little and big ways. Here are a few examples, ranging from the minuscule to the monstrous: I wanted a wooden spoon for years, and I would pick one up in Target, look at it, ponder the less-than-$5 price, and think “I don’t need this,” and put it back, only to do the same thing the next time I was in Target. Finally, one of my best girlfriends gave me a slew of cooking and baking equipment for my wedding, and among the things she included was a green-handled wooden spoon. I love that thing and I still use it today, almost 10 years later. (When it wears out or breaks, I will replace it. Why? Because I, Lynn Pomije, deserve to own a wooden spoon.)

For years, in restaurants, I have robbed myself of beverages. I’ll let the kids order drinks, Pommy gets a drink, and I think “Lynn, just have water,” and most of the time, I settle for the water. It’s a money-saving thing (Really? Saving $1 to $2 is that important?), and it’s a “deserving” thing. Everybody else deserves a drink, but I don’t. So dumb. Lately God has been reminding me that I matter, that I count, and that translates into me deserving a Diet Coke with dinner! And a wooden spoon for cooking!